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A very weird thing has
happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who
she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not
invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next
day she was.
 She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most
part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And
whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is,
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and
body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just
screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay
part of the rent, but no. Once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in
a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but is not
nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it’s
all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only
conclude the old lady is taking it.
You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream,
Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is
stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. -- especially the
good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can’t seem to keep that
stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d
better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds, I suspect
she realizes that and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with
my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.
 For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so
they won’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I
have carefully programmed it to do.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read
it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on
my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum
cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even
made my bed higher so that getting into and out is a real challenge.
Lately she has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the
lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any
way to repay my hospitality.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me
from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to get my passport picture taken, and just as
the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Disaster! I have
never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs
official is ever going to believe that that wrinkled old lady from my
passport is me.
She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put
her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I
think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.
© Rose Madeline Mula
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