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The
Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole
world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on
the
planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for the
ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with
the blueprints,
"I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.
"You better
have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to
fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard,
weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord,
"where is My ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best, but
there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the
ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with
him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
variance
from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to
convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service
that
I
needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them
anyway, so
no
owls." "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal
rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement
on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had
no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to
hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some
kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than
five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the
world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord,
"the government already has."
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